I am getting married in less than a month now. I have told this to couple of my colleagues at work, some Indian, and some Americans etc. What I found very fascinating is the remark they made after hearing and that is what stirred me to write this piece.
Most of the Indians after hearing that I am getting married congratulated me and mostly said, "Good! so you are settling in life now.” I must admit I wondered that how could getting married be equivalent to settling but anyways I just chose to smile and not argue back. I think "settle" is a very binding word, marriage is an imperative beginning of an epoch, but even that is just a commencement of a long journey. On the other hand, when Americans heard they also congratulated me and some of them said, "Let me be the wise one to suggest you not to get married.” Both are very paradoxical answers. The suggestion of not getting married is a staggering suggestion and it made me wonder that are Indians too confidant that marriage will last eternally or are Americans too cynical that they are almost certain that there is an expiry date to marriage.
One of the Americans, who suggested me not to get married, his own marriage was in shatters. He was looking for suggestions from us as to where can he meet girls, things like whether he can sell their home in the present market and will he be able to make any profit on their home. His query on making profit on their home left me a slightly bemused as that was their first home where all their kids were born and where they had spend many years together. It made me ruminate whether there can be any “price tag” attached to a place where dreams were fulfilled and new dreams were seen, where they had shared their hopes and aspirations and spent time with each other building a family. Then I also thought that perhaps they might believe that this is the preeminent way to part, bury the abode or maybe they simple wanted to get the cash and move on. I am sure it must be harder than he made it sound but most of them seem somewhat prepared that if you are getting married you will someday get divorced.
A guy who works with me has been married for only a year and is expecting a baby in less than 2 months. He said once, "I hope I don't need marriage counseling this fast." Once I asked him, "If you are so sure to begin with that you will get divorced then why do you get married? You can just choose to live together.” He looked at me and gave me a look as if saying, are you really that naïve to believe that it will last forever. He finally broke his silence and said, "Do you really believe that you can be with the same person for 40yrs? I cannot and since you are getting married I will not scare you but there is nothing like a marriage that lasts forever.” I replied, "Well, my parents have been married for 30yrs now and I have uncle and aunts who are married for more than 40yrs. So yes I do believe that marriage can last forever.”
Nevertheless, I still wondered that is it actually possible to be in love with anybody for 40yrs. I asked my mom that night, "Ma do you love baba.". Ma replied, "What happened is everything fine between you and Vikram?”. She sounded a little surprised, as I have never told ma that we fight which we do but I somehow prefer not to tell anybody when I am mad at him. I repeated, "Ma please reply, do you love baba and nothing has happened between me and Vikram. A colleague of mine today said that a person cannot love another person for 40yrs. I have also read that scientifically it has been proven that one cannot be in love with anybody for that long. So, do you love baba?" My mom replied, "As you grow older meaning of love also transforms. What you now feel is love will no longer be same 10yrs from now and neither will it be same 30yrs from now. Scientifically they measure love by some chemical that is created in your system when you feel love for somebody and when you stop generating that much amount of chemical you are no longer in love. After 20 or 40yrs that person is your comrade and confidant and it's the camaraderie that you get use to. After children are born family becomes central, you both became central, and it was not about your father or me but about you both. Life is not a romantic novel where you have to be frantically in love but a verity where two people care for each other and family more than themselves. When you are looking for reasons to split, you will find thousands of such reason and when you are looking for reasons to stay, you will also find thousands of such reasons. What makes the difference is what you are looking for and this applies to both you and Vikram.” She did not use the words to describe it but yes, she does love my father. They argue, they fight, and they care for each other. Probably the answer lies in the fact that they knew from the start that they will make it work and so were finding ways to adjust and not split.
However, I also think that there is a huge philosophical difference between Westerners and Indians regarding the perception of sanctity of this relationship. For Indians, after children are born they become the central part of parent’s lives and parent’s interests take a backseat. On the other hand for Westerners it is they who remain most important. I am not portentous to imply that they don’t care or love their kids but that they will not compromise their whole life living with a man/woman just so that the child gets both his/her parents. There will be many such families in India where couples are together only because of children and social pressure.
After coming to America and looking at a very different perspective I have lot of times wondered whether we place our parents to a towering plinth and almost presumptuously ignore the human facet in them. How many Indians will you find who actually believe that their parents have as much right to be in love as them? How many Indian men will you find who in reality believe that their mother was competent and if not forced by their father to stay home could have been a successful professional?
In my generation, the number of divorces has exponentially multiplied and it makes me wonder that are we breaking free from the shackles of society where we must live with a man even if he mistreats or just trying to assert our independence by replicating west blindly without considering the consequences? Both my parents are independent and my mother has been a teacher and both have compromised to accommodate each other. Baba use to get us ready in the morning while ma was preparing breakfast since they both had to leave home at the same time. Then why does my generation believe that the only way to assert independence is divorce? My father has been supportive of all my mom’s endeavors and she has always been there supporting my father. Neither of them can complain that the other flourished at the cost of one. I admire both my parents for that and it is because of them that I believe that marriage do lasts forever and at the same time I can also fulfill my dreams if I work hard.
I do not believe that people should stay in marriage because of social pressure when one has an atrocious, obstinate and not understanding husband/wife but it is sad when people decide to split because one snores or some trivial reason like that. A girl should never bow to a man if he wants to cease her dreams and forces her to stay home and disregard her wishes, cook for the moron who wrecked her subsistence and take care of kids. In that case if she is not willing to give up her career and dreams should definitely divorce the guy but I don't think infidelity in marriage is a good reason for divorcing. "I met a guy/girl at work who is just so great. He/She understands me better than my husband/wife.” This is an awful argument for infidelity. I believe that it’s extremely important to think and reflect before making the decision of getting married. Once that decision is made, it is important to make it work or in case of inconsiderate and/or abysmal spouse atleast give it a honest and sincere try.
I recently saw a data that really bothered me. Bangalore leads India with maximum number of divorces 9000+ per year, then Mumbai with 5000+ per year, Delhi 4500+ per year and then 2000-3000+ in Chennai and Kolkata per year. It is heartbreaking when we take such a vital decision so frivolously. I have some very strong opinions about stereotype Indian men who are not willing to recognize that women too have a career and dreams just like them. Nonetheless, marriage is a very sacred institution and in changing times like ours, it becomes even more imperative to weigh on the decision more critically. No person or relationship is perfect and Neverland does not exist in real world. Falling in love is effortless but lot of times the person you may fall in love may not be the person you can see yourself spending your life with and in that case, no matter how excruciating the u-turn is, it is worth the pain in the end. Finding a person you love and can picture yourself sharing your life together is a rare amalgamation and if you find one, get married. If you find somebody you can see yourself spending your life with but don’t think that you are in love, even then it is the right decision to get married. Nevertheless, whatever may be the reason for getting married I do believe that our generation should not take this decision flippantly? We have a responsibility of preserving the excellent aspects of our culture for next generation. Nothing is more comforting and soothing than a believe that no matter how difficult the challenges are they have their family standing rock solid behind them. Our parents made sure we had that believe, it is our responsibility to ensure that our children also have that believe. It is not worth to swap such an excellent, comforting, and stabilizing aspect of our culture for the ever mystifying and nomadic “perfect love” exploration of the west. Probably I will still wonder if it is possible to be in love with the same person for 40yrs but as years go by, I hope I will find my answer.
Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
Most of the Indians after hearing that I am getting married congratulated me and mostly said, "Good! so you are settling in life now.” I must admit I wondered that how could getting married be equivalent to settling but anyways I just chose to smile and not argue back. I think "settle" is a very binding word, marriage is an imperative beginning of an epoch, but even that is just a commencement of a long journey. On the other hand, when Americans heard they also congratulated me and some of them said, "Let me be the wise one to suggest you not to get married.” Both are very paradoxical answers. The suggestion of not getting married is a staggering suggestion and it made me wonder that are Indians too confidant that marriage will last eternally or are Americans too cynical that they are almost certain that there is an expiry date to marriage.
One of the Americans, who suggested me not to get married, his own marriage was in shatters. He was looking for suggestions from us as to where can he meet girls, things like whether he can sell their home in the present market and will he be able to make any profit on their home. His query on making profit on their home left me a slightly bemused as that was their first home where all their kids were born and where they had spend many years together. It made me ruminate whether there can be any “price tag” attached to a place where dreams were fulfilled and new dreams were seen, where they had shared their hopes and aspirations and spent time with each other building a family. Then I also thought that perhaps they might believe that this is the preeminent way to part, bury the abode or maybe they simple wanted to get the cash and move on. I am sure it must be harder than he made it sound but most of them seem somewhat prepared that if you are getting married you will someday get divorced.
A guy who works with me has been married for only a year and is expecting a baby in less than 2 months. He said once, "I hope I don't need marriage counseling this fast." Once I asked him, "If you are so sure to begin with that you will get divorced then why do you get married? You can just choose to live together.” He looked at me and gave me a look as if saying, are you really that naïve to believe that it will last forever. He finally broke his silence and said, "Do you really believe that you can be with the same person for 40yrs? I cannot and since you are getting married I will not scare you but there is nothing like a marriage that lasts forever.” I replied, "Well, my parents have been married for 30yrs now and I have uncle and aunts who are married for more than 40yrs. So yes I do believe that marriage can last forever.”
Nevertheless, I still wondered that is it actually possible to be in love with anybody for 40yrs. I asked my mom that night, "Ma do you love baba.". Ma replied, "What happened is everything fine between you and Vikram?”. She sounded a little surprised, as I have never told ma that we fight which we do but I somehow prefer not to tell anybody when I am mad at him. I repeated, "Ma please reply, do you love baba and nothing has happened between me and Vikram. A colleague of mine today said that a person cannot love another person for 40yrs. I have also read that scientifically it has been proven that one cannot be in love with anybody for that long. So, do you love baba?" My mom replied, "As you grow older meaning of love also transforms. What you now feel is love will no longer be same 10yrs from now and neither will it be same 30yrs from now. Scientifically they measure love by some chemical that is created in your system when you feel love for somebody and when you stop generating that much amount of chemical you are no longer in love. After 20 or 40yrs that person is your comrade and confidant and it's the camaraderie that you get use to. After children are born family becomes central, you both became central, and it was not about your father or me but about you both. Life is not a romantic novel where you have to be frantically in love but a verity where two people care for each other and family more than themselves. When you are looking for reasons to split, you will find thousands of such reason and when you are looking for reasons to stay, you will also find thousands of such reasons. What makes the difference is what you are looking for and this applies to both you and Vikram.” She did not use the words to describe it but yes, she does love my father. They argue, they fight, and they care for each other. Probably the answer lies in the fact that they knew from the start that they will make it work and so were finding ways to adjust and not split.
However, I also think that there is a huge philosophical difference between Westerners and Indians regarding the perception of sanctity of this relationship. For Indians, after children are born they become the central part of parent’s lives and parent’s interests take a backseat. On the other hand for Westerners it is they who remain most important. I am not portentous to imply that they don’t care or love their kids but that they will not compromise their whole life living with a man/woman just so that the child gets both his/her parents. There will be many such families in India where couples are together only because of children and social pressure.
After coming to America and looking at a very different perspective I have lot of times wondered whether we place our parents to a towering plinth and almost presumptuously ignore the human facet in them. How many Indians will you find who actually believe that their parents have as much right to be in love as them? How many Indian men will you find who in reality believe that their mother was competent and if not forced by their father to stay home could have been a successful professional?
In my generation, the number of divorces has exponentially multiplied and it makes me wonder that are we breaking free from the shackles of society where we must live with a man even if he mistreats or just trying to assert our independence by replicating west blindly without considering the consequences? Both my parents are independent and my mother has been a teacher and both have compromised to accommodate each other. Baba use to get us ready in the morning while ma was preparing breakfast since they both had to leave home at the same time. Then why does my generation believe that the only way to assert independence is divorce? My father has been supportive of all my mom’s endeavors and she has always been there supporting my father. Neither of them can complain that the other flourished at the cost of one. I admire both my parents for that and it is because of them that I believe that marriage do lasts forever and at the same time I can also fulfill my dreams if I work hard.
I do not believe that people should stay in marriage because of social pressure when one has an atrocious, obstinate and not understanding husband/wife but it is sad when people decide to split because one snores or some trivial reason like that. A girl should never bow to a man if he wants to cease her dreams and forces her to stay home and disregard her wishes, cook for the moron who wrecked her subsistence and take care of kids. In that case if she is not willing to give up her career and dreams should definitely divorce the guy but I don't think infidelity in marriage is a good reason for divorcing. "I met a guy/girl at work who is just so great. He/She understands me better than my husband/wife.” This is an awful argument for infidelity. I believe that it’s extremely important to think and reflect before making the decision of getting married. Once that decision is made, it is important to make it work or in case of inconsiderate and/or abysmal spouse atleast give it a honest and sincere try.
I recently saw a data that really bothered me. Bangalore leads India with maximum number of divorces 9000+ per year, then Mumbai with 5000+ per year, Delhi 4500+ per year and then 2000-3000+ in Chennai and Kolkata per year. It is heartbreaking when we take such a vital decision so frivolously. I have some very strong opinions about stereotype Indian men who are not willing to recognize that women too have a career and dreams just like them. Nonetheless, marriage is a very sacred institution and in changing times like ours, it becomes even more imperative to weigh on the decision more critically. No person or relationship is perfect and Neverland does not exist in real world. Falling in love is effortless but lot of times the person you may fall in love may not be the person you can see yourself spending your life with and in that case, no matter how excruciating the u-turn is, it is worth the pain in the end. Finding a person you love and can picture yourself sharing your life together is a rare amalgamation and if you find one, get married. If you find somebody you can see yourself spending your life with but don’t think that you are in love, even then it is the right decision to get married. Nevertheless, whatever may be the reason for getting married I do believe that our generation should not take this decision flippantly? We have a responsibility of preserving the excellent aspects of our culture for next generation. Nothing is more comforting and soothing than a believe that no matter how difficult the challenges are they have their family standing rock solid behind them. Our parents made sure we had that believe, it is our responsibility to ensure that our children also have that believe. It is not worth to swap such an excellent, comforting, and stabilizing aspect of our culture for the ever mystifying and nomadic “perfect love” exploration of the west. Probably I will still wonder if it is possible to be in love with the same person for 40yrs but as years go by, I hope I will find my answer.
Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
-Mark Twain
Posts
1 comment:
nice article!
I also like the site from where you link the daily photo on astronomy...
Anand
Post a Comment